haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
