Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
