We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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