I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
