it wasn't lemon gatorade
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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