He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
