theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
