My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
