I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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