Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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