Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
