just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
