I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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