I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
