I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
