woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
it glows. i had to have it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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