you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
