So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
