so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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