She is in my trunk
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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