Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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