after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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