I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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