I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
