I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
