Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We left the knife in your bed.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize