1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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