Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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