Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So. Much. Porn.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
