i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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