just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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