Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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