Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize