I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
