Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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