my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
