I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
