I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
