I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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