So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
