Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
