Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
NoShamevember. You game?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
