You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think my moral compass just broke
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
