when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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