I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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