My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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