how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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