But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
BRING THE BAGELS
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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