im drinking this country out of the recession.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
