she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
