Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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