the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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