i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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