My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize