great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it hurts more in the daytime
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
