If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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