Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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