life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
