Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
