I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
