I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
