i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
