A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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