Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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