dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
